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The Journey: Treading the Waters of BDSM

If you have not read the book "50 shades of Gray", surely you know someone who has or seen it littering the bookstores shelves and on the news. This pseudo kinky romance has wet the libidos of millions of housewives across the nation. But when all is said and done, it is still a work of fiction. Fiction is just that: fiction. While the book is entertaining, it does not accurately depict BDSM activities. So how can one go about engaging in these types of activities safely? By learning the guidelines provided by those in the know already. Educate yourself. Attend classes. Read non- fiction guides. And above all, ask questions! By doing these activities, it will assist you in making your own "red room" adventures.

Atypical Sexual Behavior:
Deviant implies a negative connotation; therefore it is no longer classified as such. The DSM currently classifies BDSM as a parpahilia or a sexual disorder. As with all mental health disorders, the activity must cause the person severe distress, impair their day-to-day life or be harmful to others to be considered a disorder. Atypical sexual behavior can be classified, as anything not readily accepted by the majority of one's own society. Keep in mind; this varies from group to group, location to location, religion to religion and so on.

The explosion of BDSM within this country in recent years can be attributed to many factors but one primary reason is the lack of ritual within our society. Younger people seek to expand their limits and involve themselves alternative activities designed to do so. American society is notorious for separating sexuality and spirituality unlike other cultures. Intense ritualistic activities provide people with ways to trigger their "inner primitive". By bringing the sublime into our lives, we transcend the mundane everyday.

Normality of fetishes:
Many of our sexual desires do indeed come from things that occur to us when we are in our formative years, usually before 15. Freud may not have been perfect but he was onto something with the childhood link to sexual desires. Jung took it one step further connecting it to our primal desires and animalistic natures. Traumatic events can also cause such activities to be desired. In BDSM, play is what we commonly call our interactions. Think on what the word denotes: a return to fun, freedom and spontaneity. Play is what children do. Adults need this release as well. Alternative sexualities provide a forum for them to access it.

If you think about it, we all have some type of fetish. Any of our sexual preferences can be taken to the extreme. If you enjoy seeing your beau in a certain color or style of dress, that is a fetish. If you really enjoy outdoor sex in risky places, that can be considered a fetish. What makes people nervous about this type of activity is the aloneness it can cause. Everyone has something, some preferences or kinks. Many feel they are the only ones. They have no one to talk to about it as non-alternative mental health professionals have limited knowledge on the subject. This is where many of the sex workers come in.

Sexual discovery cannot be rushed. It must be cultivated and allowed to manifest as it sees fit. The keys to this are two things: consent and respect. Each person involved must consent to the play and scene. But even more so, respect must be given for each one's desires. If your partner has the courage to express their deepest needs and wants to you, have the courage to listen and understand best you can. One of my girls so wanted to try puppy play, an area neither of us had ever done. Watching the boy pups made her wiggle with excitement and want to join in the fun. She was afraid to ask me at first for fear I would laugh and reject her. And my own insecurities of the area might have lead to that result. But I listened to her desires respectfully, did my research on the activity and decided to put our foot in the water. Only to have it turn into one of my favorite fetishes and a passion of mine.

Hurt:
When we think of hurting someone, the immediate thought is the cause of some type of pain whether it is emotional, physical or other. In the context of the alternative lifestyle known as BDSM, hurt is a common aspect. Many of the activities are designed to cause a reaction that those not inside the community would consider hurtful, painful or damaging. Within the BDSM community there are structures put in place to protect people from getting hurt in a serious way. Community protocol defines what is acceptable and what is not. At parties and events, there are people who are designated monitors. They are trained in observing the interactions and picking up anything beyond the acceptable. Also, they are usually trained in basic first aid and CPR.

Within the actual play, the people negotiate what is acceptable for them. Limits are outlined and respected. A safe word is often used for when the encounter or activity become uncomfortable for either party. Make your safe word something a bit more difficult to recall but not too hard. If it is a word such as "No" or "Stop", it can often be confused for a normal response to certain types of stimuli. Any triggers are revealed as well as health issues. Unknown triggers may occur on other occasions, especially during or after intense BDSM activity. Fictional accounts do not usually address the emotional fall out that may occur from play. As consenting adults, we do need to address such.

Both top and bottom may experience what is commonly called "drop". This happens when our endorphins return to normal. It may appear as a depressive state. Acknowledging it is the first step in understanding how you deal after intense play.

Popular Fetishes:
Throughout our media, we often encounter a quick glimpse of a fetish. Seen on shows such as CSI, Travel Channel and Sex in the City, fetishism is an undercurrent often hinted at but rarely discussed. Without open discussion, it will remain in the shadows. To move forward, our society must come to terms with these desires and educate instead of eviscerate.
Everyone has a different jumping off point for his or her kink. It can be something we have always fantasized about or a brand new activity we get introduced to by a o partner. No matter how one arrives at the door to the room, it is important to do so safely. Then take that step over the threshold!

Here are a few of the most common fetishes that many people begin with:
• Spanking
• Foot Worship
• Dressing up
• Shoes and Boots
• Flogging
• Mild bondage
• Handcuff

Basic BDSM glossary:
BDSM: Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism
Sadist: Person who enjoys inflicting intense sensory reactions, some of which can be painful, to another.
Masochist: Person who enjoys receiving the painful sensory reactions.
Top: Person who does the activity to the other, one who administers the sensations
Bottom: Person who receives the sensory input, receives the stimuli from the activities.
Dominant: Person who does the controlling, issues the commands and delivers the incentives or punishments, Behavior Modifier.
Submissive: Person who receives the commands and the consequences from the dominant.
Fetish: As described by the DSM-IV, the fixation on a particular idea, object or activity for the purpose of sexual gratification.
Dominatrix: A term usually reserved for a dominant female who accepts payment for her services.
Safe Word: A key word or phrase given to the receiver so they may use it to cease the action if they feel like it.
Scene: The time of interaction between involved parties. Kind of like a date!
RACK: Risk, Aware, and Consensual Kink
SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual
Play: What those involved in the lifestyle call their interactions.
Session: A scene with a professional dominatrix, very controlled in aspects of time and type of play. More like a scheduled job interview.
Trigger: Anything that may cause an unpleasant, uncomfortable response from either person.
Vanilla: Non-BDSM people and activities.

Helpful Links to learn more on Alternative Sexual Practices:
www.donshewey.com/sex_articles/sex_work_as_health_care.htm
www.bayswan.org/stats.html
www.kinkacademy.com
www.fetlife.com
www.sexstl.com
www.castlerealm.com
http://fringe.davesource.com/Fringe/Sex/Deviants_Dictionary

Couples session with Ma'am
November 2014 by My girl paulette

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For the near future I will be concentrating on my home cities.
till April 2020
 

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As your Mistress, I strive to enhance our time together by exploring both our inner fetish desires. What fun is it for me if I am not engaging deeply with you while playing? I seek to connect, control and captivate you. My female dominant spirit requires your servitude.

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